When Your Husband is Addicted to Pornography…Healing Your Wounded Heart – Book Review & Giveaway!!!

When Your Husband is Addicted to Pornography…Healing Your Wounded Heart,” by Vicki Tiede, is being released and hitting the stores this week.  The statistics are staggering: 50-60% of Christian men are struggling with addiction to pornography.  And if this is true, that means that there are a good number of wives in our own churches, right under our noses, feeling heartbroken, and perhaps feeling all alone in this emotional battle.  Christian women are faced today with this problem and very little, if any, resources are out there for them.   Vicki Tiede has sought to close the gap in providing a book to help women navigate through these trying times.  That is why when New Growth Press asked us to review this book, we were more than happy to do so.

The Feel of the Book

There is no question about it, Vicki didn’t want women to feel alone.  There are 26 testimonies of women in this book either sharing what they did wrong or the good lessons they have learned.  It definitely has the feel of a support group, a Christian support group that is.  Vicki has walked this path before so she knows first-hand the emotional battle that is before these women.  That enables her to be quite effective when conveying compassion and grace throughout the book.  This empathy then naturally gives her the platform to say hard things and offer true hope, in the good news of the Gospel.  Hard things are better heard when compassion and grace are first displayed.  You will likely feel like you’re having a conversation with Vicki.  And with all the diverse testimonies included, you probably will feel heard as well (she covers a lot of territory in terms of bad and good thinking).

The Content

In her introduction she lists four categories of addiction (two are listed below) to help the reader discern if this book is for her.  This book was intended mainly for women whose husbands have struggled with sins related to Level I.  However, the emotions of betrayal a woman feels at any of these levels can be the same.

                 Level I:  This is often considered “acceptable” by mainstream society and includes lust, fantasy, masturbation, and pornography (magazines, video cable/satellite TV, Internet).

                 Level II:  Fulfilling sexual desire with live porn, strip clubs, nude dancing, massage parlors, physical affairs, and fetishes.

I found it refreshing that Vicki didn’t set out to sell a list of goods for these women to “fix” their husbands.  Instead, she set out to engage these women through scripture and address their temptations, their sin, and their sense of betrayal during this time.  She broke each chapter into weeks; six weeks total.  And each week has reading, homework, and journaling.

At each point, Vicki goes to great lengths to validate and acknowledge these women’s pain and struggles.  With the ultimate goal to point them to the only One who can redeem that pain.

“Women feel alone.  They can’t share their disappointment in their husbands.  But take hope – God knows the secret of the heart.” (Ps. 44:21 / Page 4)

“Twas grace that taught my heart to fear, and grace my fears relieved.” Radical faith that begins with fear will land you in the arms of the Almighty.  (Page 63)

Vicki is also wise in her estimation of the church at large and warning women to seek counsel only from healthy churches, by giving them the 9marks of a healthy church.  She repeatedly points women to professionals, to seek marriage counsel and support.

Overall, this book points Christian women to the identity they have in Christ.  And it nurtures the opportunity this trial brings to strengthen their relationship with God.

“I firmly believe that the covenant of marriage may ultimately be more about a woman’s relationship with God than her relationship with her husband.”  (Page 147)

“That’s the beauty in God’s economy: nothing he has allowed in your past is excessive or unnecessary because he uses it all for His glory.” (Page 250)

In the balancing act of grace and truth, Vicki earns her right to address the many temptations these women face.  You get the feeling that she literally gets in their face as she hears about their self-pity, sense of guilt, unforgiveness, etc. and confidently tells them, “You must choose if you’re going to live as a victim or in victory.  Better or bitter.  Grow through it or go through it. ” (Page 199)

Weaknesses of this Book in my Estimation

Vicki would use at times psychologized wording like “self-esteem and self-worth,” that I would have preferred her not use.  She used the terms and accepted them as truth.  Except, the words and the concepts they represent are not only non-biblical – but unbiblical. Where do we get that there is worthiness/value/honor in and of ourselves? The Bible would call that kind of self-regard idolatry. You see worldly terminology is truly not helpful when trying to help.  We should seek whenever possible to use biblical language when we speak, or write, for when we do, we can go to the Bible to guide our thinking.   The second and last thing I was uncomfortable with was a letter Vicki included in her last chapter.  It is supposed to be “from” God the Father reminding the reader that He sees and redeems the brokenhearted. You can be saying in fact what God does say in His word, but I think it is dangerous and irreverent to speak in the place of God.  That part, in my opinion, was unnecessary.

Do I recommend this book?

I do recommend this book, the weaknesses it has are minor in comparison with the invaluable resource it will be to hurting women.  This is a very difficult topic to address so if you are someone who ministers to other women, this book is also for you.  It will grow and enrich you – and that will bless the hurting woman you might need to comfort one day.

I have three copies of this book to give away!  Just enter below by using the rafflecopter tool.

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  1. Kendal Barriere says:

    Esme, thank you for being willing to write about the things rarely spoken out loud about. This seems like a great book to read to be able to come alongside and minister to the women in our church.

  2. Angela Arthur says:

    Thank you for reviewing this book! Would definitely be interested in reading this. I am so glad that she didn’t focus on “fixing” your husband.

  3. I would be interested in this book because I’ve watched a couple work through the effects of a porn addiction. Praise God he revived their marriage, but I think this book could be very helpful in helping others.

  4. This looks like a great book! I know that many women face this challenge in their lives.

  5. Cheryl Wuthrich says:

    As a new pastor’s wife, I’m expecting to see and hear if this issue all too often. This looks like a very helpful resource.

  6. I really need this book in my life.

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